Welcome to my blog, by the way. This is my first post. I will be sending revamped blog posts from my older site over time.
Being "ex-ex-gay" brings its own unique set of experiences. So just to clarify: ex-gay (which I was for over 20 years of my life) means you believe homosexuality is a choice and you are "changed" or trying to change from gay to straight. Ex-Ex-gay just means you simply abandoned that process after realizing it was a bit of sham or at the very least misguided. You are homosexual but with this ex-gay experience in your life resume. There are some great positives now that I'm out. For example, a seven year writer's block has been released and I'm writing pretty much non stop. The intense sexual shame I carried and the sense of being a dysfunctional human being has greatly lessened. A life of circulating the back circles of fundamentalist circles, single and alone...a life of shadow...in which the ultra religious have no use for you except your "testimony" is over. I'm in much more accepting circles now than I ever have been in my life.
So, I'm not sure what my problem is. And though there is a problem (when don't we have challenges?), let me say its no where near as desperate of walking in a life as an ex-gay. It could be that coming out happens in stages. It could be that as a pastor once told me, I am still grieving the loss of my father and sister not being around. As an example, I recently met a group of new people at a LGBT community center. They are all pretty new to coming out so they aren't jaded by all the stereotypes the gay culture can procure. We had a great meeting so I agreed to meet them on another day and sort of bar hop for this chick's birthday. You would think after years of waiting for a crew like this (people have heard me moan about friends and dates) who are rather accepting folk that I would be excited. Instead, on the day of, I found myself wrestling with going. I'm personally used to that negative voice in my life so I know what to do with it. After years of being bullied and other struggles, I learned to go inward and go it alone. The voice and that side of me will always be there calling me to "retreat" to solitary activities. Yet, on the drive there, I struggled with this sense of alienation that surprised me because I was on my way to be with new friends, albeit people I didn't know well yet. It was a sense that not only God wasn't with me but also that I was traversing outside some destined path, on the dark side of the moon. I say this because let's face it: the moon isn't a glamorous celestial being. All it has going for it, is the glowing reflection of the sun. To be on the moons dark backside really has to be the low of the lows, the strangest of the strange. And so this is how I felt as the stark reflection of the sunlight on my car's accessories reflected back an echo of a certain shallow, emptiness..as if I took a detour off life's grid and was headed to a destination with no life. Of course, I went and had fun. The people were great and yeah, it was different than what I was used to but I'm sure in some way good for me.
Anywho, This is just one example where as I step out more that I also feel I'm playing for the opponent’s team. Now, some fundamentalist Christian could point to this and other examples and say, "See, your heart is telling you are out of the will of God! So stop it! Return to home base." And I did this for over 20 years, which mostly just harmed me. Also, this isn't my only experience with this feeling, just another form of it. When I was younger and very into a fundamentalist view of Christianity, I struggled with a sense of being in this body. I wanted out of it. I felt too "good" for all these human trappings. I also struggled with walking into Churches because of their very non accepting nature. Everything in me told me to not stop foot in those places. When we moved from Michigan to Florida, I literally felt like I was on an alien planet and that my whole world was going the wrong way on a one way street. After a series of moves "in search of myself" where I ended up back in Michigan, I was certain only after I was back, that this was probably the wrong move.
I apologize. But, my blogs won't always have answers. I don't fully know the reason for this feeling in my life. I think some of it is a long term belief that there is such a thing as destiny and fearing violating that destiny--I now see that as hogwash. Yet, that doesn't mean the old tape doesn't play. Perhaps a bigger part of it is that life long journey of finding a home within yourself and carrying that with you wherever you go rather than looking for confirmation in the exterior world. Yet, I find it rather tormenting when you can't rely on your own instincts but rather must do the opposite. Regardless, not all this matters because I must live out me. Not a culture. Not a religion. Not some elusive destiny that keeps me guessing and condemns when I guess wrong. Love is an answer. When I'm around love, I'm home.