Your Brain on Porn

90 Day Challenge Update

I mentioned in a prior posting on porn about this website www.yourbrainonporn.com and that I would be taking up their 90 Day challenge of no porn for 90 Days. This was prompted by noticing that in the last year that I am no longer getting morning salutes. In researching what the problem could be, I found this website where 100,000's of men are talking about things like ED, addictions and all sorts of stuff and the effects of the porn.

So here's my update and reflection:

I was sick with pnuemonia so though my first 2 weeks were illness free, the last week and half were not. I've been doing the progam for 3 1/2 weeks now. Being sick made it very easy to continue to the program with no challenge LOL. I have to say that in reading forum posts on the 'your brain on porn' website that there are men out there trying to go no porn and no masturbation for the rest of their lives. Talk about a hard lesson in failure. I could tell them a thing or two about the waste of effort on that venture. I used to try that when I was very religiously constrained and it drove me nuts. I felt less confident anxious and frustrated...all the things the website lists of people who do the DO. How crazy is that? When guys would comment with utter guilt and a sense of doom at their "slip ups", I wanted to warn them that they are fighting a losing battle by thinking they can become sexless. Here are guys with no religious conviction trying to become sexless pretty much...it blows my mind. Some on the website and other referral sites suggest things like masturbation and porn actually reduce testertone which there is no proof of. So, I'm not happy with some of the conjecture and lack of balance. Everything needs balance, even our sex lives and to go to one extreme or another isn't good unless its temporary.

It is not really my intent to stop all porn and all masturbation, even for this 90 Days. My goal is to just make it less. I have had one slip with porn but I didn't see it affecting too much. In actuality, I wasn't fully sure why I was taking this 90 Day challenge (to torture myself?) it till after what happened today. Read on....

So what I experienced so far was what the website said I would. At first, there were a few weeks where everything "flatlined". Sexual desire and anything to do with it just goes poof. It is a strange feeling, perhaps mildly disconcerting while also refreshing not being 'driven', but I knew this would happen because the website told me it could. I thought I was beyond such nonsense because I didn't see myself as "needing" porn but apparently even my slight dabblings had hard wired my brain to know nothing but porn as a tool toward release. It was my brain in protest. As I have been getting better from my illness, things have been coming back alive in my pants and its been nice I must say. I never realized how much even my own penis and libido were tied to porn but it makes sense now. Every inkling of sexual desire was immediately satisfied by porn. Any thing resembling sexual desire or heck, even something resembling a desire for ice cream, and I went to porn for release. I was training my libido to shut up without knowing it. I was ashamed of my sexual desire so my thought was get it out of the way and go on with my day. Definitely enjoy it fully, but shut it down and move on.

Now, having went thru some abstinence, certain memories and fantasies stirred my sexual desires for the first time in a long time causing that most saught after shift in the pants. It was refreshingly satisfying to feel along with a sense of being connected to my own body. Then, it hit me: why I was doing the program. For all my religiously sexually suppressed life, I had long saught ways that I wouldn't have to experience sexual desire because of the following sense of loss of control, fear of what I may do, and shame. Now, that I was "out", what I had done was put porn in religion's place and would run to release myself so as to eliminate any sexual desire. So, today, I had a sexually stirring memory out in public that was enough to cause my mini-me to put on the armor and stand tall within the confines of my cordoroys. I felt free. No, no one could see, I was sexual and it was okay! I never gave myself permission to feel sexual in public before.

So this 90 Day deal is doing more for me then I ever realized and probably partly subconscious to get my sexuality back. One man said on the website that the real perfect balance is to have that person in your life you can be sexual with and maybe some porn when needed too. I don't know but I think he has something there. Truthfully, though I admit have a rousing good time with porn now and again, I never wanted to use porn. I've always wanted to be with that person who was the love of my life. My first sort-of boyfriend of a whole 6 months (eye roll here) did something for me. I remember losing all desire for porn because I only wanted him. I look forward to that experience again.