Say what you want to say?


There is this song "Brave" where the lyrics go, "Say what you want to say," that I'm thinking of this morning but in an entirely different vain.  It's more along the lines of the funny video below where we move into hurting others.  Being gay isn't all always a rose garden and definitely not here in the South East Michigan area.  However, since I can't really get a job that both engages my passion and affords me a good living expense (my pay has been frozen for 3 years now), I'm stuck here trying to make the best of it.  It is interesting when you are trying hard, feeling like you are pedaling at 100 miles an hour and people assume that your "lack" is because you are not pedaling hard enough or believing in yourself enough.  This is a great way for those who are more successful to excuse your suffering as "your fault" so they can go on their way with a sense of you under their thumb.

A funny video of SNL women taking the song "Brave" to a new level

Sadly, this is not only in the gay world but it is the message I've gotten my entire life in the church world and even from some family members in the past-- people who have no filters and think they have the right to analyze your life tend to excuse their statements by saying "I tell it like it is."  I recently learned my lesson the hard way by excusing a former friend for quite a while, even blaming myself for not being more understanding. Then, for the first the time since my twenties, I contemplated suicide after a bout of rage he unleashed on me-- something less than my perception of him.  I regret a little that the poison he was "spitting" I spit right back at him but as he continued with his toxic rant. I felt he needed to feel the sting of what it is like to be "analyzed" when you haven't asked for it. I don't pride myself on it.  Don't be one of those people who excuse themselves and hold no filter to what they say.  They isolate themselves with only those who fit their exalted mold and excuse their isolation from others as "people who just don't understand personalities like mine."  No. They are just protecting themselves from someone  (like themselves) running through psyche and heart like a bull in a china shop when the bull was never invited to begin with. 

On the flip side of this are the gay guys in my life who can't seem to hold a conversation or take a chance on a relationship.  I'm not saying it isn't hard anywhere else but since I came out 5 years ago I can count the good dates (not hook-ups) I've had on one hand.  Again, people excuse this by saying, "You just pick the wrong people because you are too picky." This is another excuse.  I tell people who say that now what my qualifications are for a date:   Honest, happy, sane, drug free, some physical attraction for me, not obese (there's a difference between "overweight" and "obese") and it would be great if they had some spiritual center but that is not even a requirement as long as they can accept mine.   This is all it takes for me to give someone a chance my  gay world, I am increasingly surprised by how those very basic qualities are hard to find.  I mean, I'm sorry that I don't approach people I have absolutely no physical attraction too but who does?  I've got to want to wake up in the morning with this person at the very least.  If they can't control their weight to the point of obesity, smile or hold a conversation or at least physically appeal to me in some way, then count me damned, I'll buy a puppy instead.

Anywho, this is what I acquired on my plate, dating wise:

*I answered a personal ad (with no picture mind you) only to find out this was someone I connected with before who as I soon as it got to actually meeting, he went into rage fits.  So now, he sends me emails like, "Good morning," and "Happy Memorial Day", but if I respond I get the email sent back that he is not accepting messages.

*A guy I have a crush on is not responding in kind to the prompts-- if you know what I mean-- which means a "no-go" but we'll still be friends (while I fantasize of make-out sessions).

*A guy I met at a bar had a mutual magnetic attraction to me but in text messaging he only sticks with how much he wants to be with me but goes silent on any solid plans of actually getting together.

This is pretty much representative of my experience where guys really don't say enough, let alone "what they want to say" when it comes to dating.  I also know that I've been pretty shy about gay bars and events centered around LBGTQ  but this year I'm breaking out more so my hope is that changes things a little.