Porn Challenge Pt. 4

This last week has been a rough one on my 90 Day Challenge to reduce porn.  The challenge was inspired by my own symptoms and a site called "yourbrainonporn".  As you can read the post prior to this one, I have had some positive effects on this trial that I wasn't expecting: increase in sexual libido and a return of spontaneous erections that had disappeared (freaked me out!).  

Trying to find a balance of "yourbrainonporn"'s extreme notion of no porn (and suggestion of no masturbation either!) has been a challenge because I don't think totally no sexual outlet is good for anyone--just look at Catholic priests.  I ended up using porn twice this last week after abstaining too long and finding myself riddled with an old shame around my sexuality as my libido seemed to get out of control.  It reminded me of my old religious fundamentalist days where I was tormented with sex in my thoughts and my pants during work to almost paralyzing amount.  It felt horrible to end up back in this place.  I quickly ended that as soon as I got home.  I tried to use porn as just a start up but when that failed, I just went with it.  

The first porn use last week, which I would say wasn't a failure, was as only used as intended--a start up of my engines.  I did that successfully but the orgasm felt mild and almost degrading somehow.  I'm not sure why.  The second use of porn that week did bring some affects to my physicality.  It  hasn't been too severe since I've been reducing the amount of porn watched for well around 5 or so weeks now.  Although the spontaneous erections haven't totally disappeared, they have greatly reduced but I'm sure they will return.  I'm experiencing a little of what I first experienced in my first week (which most "challengers" talk about when they fail): something called a "flat-line".  Its a total silence of sexual libido in the head and body but this is time it is much milder and actual somewhat refreshing since the libido is much more manageable.

I feel what I need to do is stop a certain thought I am having and it is this one: that jerking off won't be the same unless I at least start with porn.  I really believe this is where I am tripping myself up.  It is all around this idea that I will just use it to "start my engines" and it rarely just ends there.  So I think  I will attempt to nip in that bud.  It may take a few mediocre jack sessions but I have a feeling that could be the answer.  But, will I give myself the chance to test this out with so many hot videos I so enjoy?  Stay tuned.